Silver Lining Vanity

Should I stop or should I keep on going?

I am already a size one - I fit size one pants in juniors perfectly. My thigh gap seems to appear more prominent than before, but I am still not satisfied! Is it because of my severe depression? I am becoming a manic and do not really know what to do. Today, I slightly binged - almost had 900+ calories and feel like a wild pig waiting to be savaged. I hate my gluttonous ways that I cannot withhold; why can I not learn now to repress and suppress? This is becoming a demon that I have been battling with for a months now. I have not gotten my menstrual cycle, and I am stuck in a coma of confusion as of now.

I actually feel bad right now because I went out with the family and had to eat out at this Vietnamese restaurant…

Logically, I knew I had to eat bigger meals because my body is malnourished and is prone to muscle atrophy, but after feeling full and such, I feel disgusting! Though I am not going to act on impulse and not eat anything for weeks - because that would be idiotic. The body still needs to consume at least something to regulate. Proana girls are misinformed - you don’t have to starve yourself completely.

Anyways, I hope one day of eating this huge meal full of carbs won’t kill me or hurt my weight. Tomorrow I am going back on track with my strict diet.

To update: I now have a thigh gap - it is not that noticeable, but I still see the difference.

I feel like I am being savaged - they found out about the dramatic weight loss. Thing is, I understand that they care about me, but they do not understand how important this means to me. Yes, simultaneously it does sound a bit distorted and delusional but it is mind over matter. 

Someone “saw” me this week and was deeply concerned, contacted one of my family members on Facebook, and sent that family member a message. Whoever this person is that snitched on me, I want to cut them off. Why can’t people just leave me alone? I am already stressed as it is, and college is heavy burden. I want to be alone, and I want to do my thing.